129 - The Chef's Dilemma - Family Time vs Career Time
Nov 03, 2023Hey, I am so grateful that you are here, man. Has this been a week, it has been an amazing week, we are going to be talking about something that is at the top of every chef's dilemma. Okay, what do you want to do? What is going on? What are the biggest frustrations that we have, or the biggest contradictions that we have the biggest dilemmas family time, your outside time, your personal time versus your career time. Now, if you're like me, and you absolutely love your family, and you love getting out there and doing things with them, but you also know that you have to work that you've got to provide for your family that you've got to provide that money, that income. And it's also about that passion that you have of working of being in the industry, and really enjoying your life. So here's the dilemma, your family time versus your career time. Let's talk a little bit about this industry. This industry is not very conducive to the family. Because when do we, when do people want to go out to eat, they want to go out to eat during the nights for their date night, or, or take, you know, go out with their friends or girlfriends, guy friends. And they want to go out with their family and things like that. And they want to go out to eat during the evenings when everybody's together. They want to go out during the weekends, when they've got their vacation when they got their little bit of time off. So what does that mean for us, that means that's the time that we work. Now there are some people who manage to get those jobs that are more of a corporate job, not so much a corporate organization. But a corporate job where you're doing just lunch service within a corporation that's becoming more popular, you may be the chef that is able to get the breakfast shift or the lunch shift. Okay. And that may be great. You may but the further majority of a chef's it is a evenings job. Even if you do manage to get that lunch shift, you're usually coming in at the end of the lush lunch shift and then finishing off the night. So what is going on, that's a long hours. It's irregular, you never get you don't really have the same schedule every single week. So it's hard to make plans. Because business levels go up and down based on reservations. It's a high stress environment, that puts a lot of pressure on us. And it's constantly multitasking is constantly making those quick decisions, split decisions, because seconds count within this industry. And it's also the importance of making those high expectations of the customers of the people we're serving. If we're going to be putting forth the best of what we are, we need to have those high expectations of ourselves. The customers have that expectation of you. They want to make sure that every single dish, every single plate that they come in, and they eat from you is spectacular. Because we are dedicated to this craft, we are dedicated to making that happen to making the meal, the food, everything absolutely amazing. And we want that consistency. We want that dedication of the people on our team. But the problem comes like when last week I talked about that live to work or work to live. What exactly is it? Like? What is your focus? And if your focus is more on that career time, then great. But if your focus is more on the family time, then it makes a little more difficult because let's face it, it's not very helpful, or it doesn't mesh well with the array everybody else is working in is not meshing well with everybody else's schedules. So what about the family time? What is the expectations that are put upon you as in from the society as far as the time that you should be spending with your family? And what how do you deal with that conflict? And that dilemma of the expectations of society and your ability to meet those expectations based on the career choice that you have made. So let's go into that. What are some of these expectations? You know, what some of the expectations are with the family life is that we want to have it balanced. Okay. That's the expectation. And if you've watched some of my other videos, you, you know that I don't really enjoy that word balance. But that's what is expected that you spend eight hours a fan with your, you know, personal time and your family time you spend eight hours at work, and then you're supposed to spend eight hours sleeping. Okay. And so if you have to work 12 hours, where does that? Where does that extra four hours come from? Does it come from your sleep? Does it come from your family? Where does that come from, and then all of a sudden, you're no longer a balance, because not each one of them has eight hours, and you're, you feel like you're failing as a person. Okay, struggling to attend those family events. Now, those always happened in the evenings, they happen in the and during the weekends. Holidays, I mean, come on holidays are one of the busiest times within this industry, you may be lucky, and get a job that actually is like, you know what, I don't want to deal with the holidays. So we're going to be off the during those times. But I've always worked in the hotel industry. I've always worked at hotels, I enjoy working with hotels, and you don't get that time off, because you're in a hotel, you will work that time because everybody is in the hotel, and they all need to eat, then you've got the comp, the the catering events, and the banquet events, and all this kind of the kind of things that happen. So having that time and struggling with that the expectations of making sure that you have that relationship with your wife, with your spouse, with your children, with your other friends. And then, and then there's a whole pack about the stress, and being able to switch from the stress of the industry. And to go home and to supposedly not have that stress impact your family life. It is difficult. Again, I've talked about that releasing of the stress and everything like that, that helps. But it still doesn't affect the fact that you're passionate about your work. And you are going to be working, you're going to be worrying about a little bit. How do you manage to completely remove that stress, so that you can be 100% present with the family. And also don't forget about the the communication. The demands in the in the culinary field, the communication is very short. It is very direct. And if you try and use that kind of communication with your spouse, it doesn't go well. And you may like Why can't things in the at the home be as simple as they are at work? You put the food in the pan, you saute it, and everything comes out like it should, right? But it doesn't. There are so many other factors that affect your relationships with your spouse and with your children. And making sure that you're nurturing that time with them is very, very important. So let me go over some of the things that I've that I have learned that helped maintain my marriage and my family. See, I've been married over 20 years. And I can tell you it is not been easy. It's been difficult. But I've as I've thought about it, I've come up with, like 10 strategies that you can use to be able to maintain a good relationship with your spouse and with your children. Okay, the number one, the number one thing that I know, help me to maintain this and have this relationship with my spouse, my wife and my children is straight up dedication. Having that same dedication to the craft to my passion, having that same dedication with that as I do with my wife and my family. That has been the number one thing the second thing is my faith. My religion. Okay, having that thing that is external. That is not 100% just her and me or me and the kids and I'm just doing it for them. But no, I'm doing it for a larger purpose. I'm maintaining this relationship you Even during hard times for this larger purchase that is even bigger than my family. The other thing is, knowing the pitfalls going into it, knowing those pitfalls and starting to plan for them, make plans for them make contingencies, I know, I know that things are going to happen, all of a sudden, somebody's going to call in sick, and you're gonna have to go into work. Or somebody cuts their hand and you've got to come in and help out. Or you're the manager, and you've got to cover somebody else's shift, because of something happened, things are going to happen. And you need to be able to have that contingency plan and know ahead of time, what's going to happen? How are you going to make it through that? And are you going to put it? How are you going to talk with your spouse about what has going on, so that they understand they don't, they don't blame you for what's going on? Okay, that goes to the next one, understanding the demands of the career and having support around you to be able to manage it. Because if your significant other does not understand the demands of the career, it's it becomes very, very difficult. What do you mean, you can't have a holiday off you work Thanksgiving and New Year's and Valentine's? Why can't you have Mother's Day off? Okay? And understanding the demands of that and what's going on with that. Okay, it's very, very important. So each one of us has, has these things that are going on in our lives, right. And with that, being able to make sure that they understand what is going on, and how to mitigate those things that are going on, will help you to maintain that marriage, maintain that relationships that you have with your spouse. Then the next one is that intentional effort to communicate positively and with respect towards one another. It is very easy to allow the stresses of your work day to translate into the way that you talk with your spouse, the way that you talk with your family, your patients that you have with them. When you just get back from work. And being able to have that intentional, I'm going to talk with you with respect with positivity. And I'm not going to let the other stresses influence the way that I talk with you understanding those being intentional about it, again making that plan how are you going to mitigate that how are you going to avoid having that stress enter in now, the ones that I have found is very important is your dedication. To not get into the vices of alcohol and drugs. That kind of environment is is is rampant within the kitchen. It is very easy to access that stuff. It is very easy to go out with your friends after after a busy night and go have a drink. But are you able to avoid those vices are you able to if you if you do drink to make sure that it does not affect your relationship in any way, shape or form. If you are not able to kick back and not drink for like a month, if you want it to then you are beholden to that drink. And if you are, it's going to affect your life, it's going to affect what's going on around you. Hey, you need to be able to be in control of yourself at all times. Because this industry is stressful. And if you can't maintain control of yourself, you may not do it during at work because it's visible to everybody and you may lose your job. But then when you go back to the home, it may come out there the beast may come out there. So make sure that you are in control. Do not get in to those drugs. eggs into that alcohol and make those turn into vices. The other thing, this is something is funny, I actually saw a shirt on this. And it was funny because my wife always says this. Your spouse needs to get into need to become comfortable with saying the phrase, yes, I'm still married? No, they are not here. Yes, they are working. I will see them later. That's why they're not here at the see family event, or this other event or with your friends or whatnot. Getting comfortable with saying that, although it's depressing. But just understanding and letting people know is like, No, we do still have a good marriage. And why do we still have a good marriage, because of those previous things that dedication, the understanding, intentional effort to communicate. Now, here's where it comes very important. Make sure that you are planning those vacations, make sure that you are planning those family times well in advance and sticking to your guns to make sure that that happens. Stuff happens in their centers industry all the time. There's never a weekend, where it's like, oh, we're not going to need you now, but you need to be able to stick to your guns and say, No, I'm going on this vacation. I can't tell you how many times that I've planned to vacation during the slow season. And it turns out that that vacation is the exact same weekend as a large event. So are you sure you have to go? Yes, I am sure this has been planned for a very long time. You have the staff you knew about it. This isn't a last minute thing we've known about it. We have the staff, we've been doing the training, everybody knows a responsibility. I'm leaving. And I'm gonna call you back. And I know that you've got this, okay. Planning that vacation planning that family time, and being in advance, letting your employer know, letting your spouse know, letting your family know I am going to go on this. And then saying straight up, no, I will not adjust this vacation because of an event. Because there's lots of reservations, because x, y, z. Then there's also with the communication, making sure that you're going on dates with your spouse, going on dates with your kids. Taking that time making them know helping them know how much you love them how much you appreciate them. Juggling that family time with those work expectations with the career time is difficult. And what I found is, it's very difficult to find something that's going on on a Tuesday. Not many people have stuff going on Tuesday. And so the dates that we're on are a lot of times, you know fairly mundane. But they're important. They show how much you are dedicated to the family, how much you're dedicated to making sure that this works. And then the final thing is, make sure you give those surprise gifts, surprise notes, text texts, calls and time off. Getting that stuff and making it a surprise making that something special. Figuring out what it is that the other person really appreciate. And making sure you do that as a surprise to them fairly often. That is how you begin to maintain this relationship. And it's how I've maintained my my marriage for 20 years. For 12 of those about 1213 years of that. As soon as we started having kids that has been we've been working opposite schedules, opposite schedules the entire time. We never really saw each other. I was always working weekends, she was always working the weekdays. There's always working nights she was always working mornings. There was rarely a day where we would see each other for the entire 24 hours. And so making sure that I'm very active in that there were Many, many days where I would see my spouse, as she was waking up heading to work, and she would see me as I was, as we were going to bed. And half the time she was already asleep by the time I came home. So maintaining that dedication, maintaining that feeling of that religion, that that bigger purpose, if you don't have the religion have that bigger purpose beyond just you and your family. Have that bigger purpose, knowing those pitfalls, understanding the demands of the career being intentional in the communication that you have, with respect and positivity, at dedication and getting used to those phrases that, yes, we're still married. Oh, he's at work. Maybe he'll make it the next time. Yeah, maybe he'll make it the next time. Okay, planning those time off, spending that time with the family and being very diligent and persistent in maintaining that, and holding to those vacation times. Take going on those dates. And then finally, again, those surprise notes of appreciation and love. Those are the 10 things that I have found that have helped build up and maintain marriages within this industry. Let me tell you, another stat. Did you know that the restaurant industry food service industry is within is one of the top 10 Most divorce rates in the United States? Did you know that more than half of the marriages that happen within the industry end up in divorce? And did you know that about two thirds of the people that work in this industry, never even bother getting married? Because they know those stats, they just they're not even going to bother with it. So if you're one of those that are married, know that the odds are stacked against you. But only because other people are not willing to put in the effort. You put in the effort, make sure that communication is there. The understanding, making sure that the love and appreciation you have for your significant others their things will go so much better. The challenges that we face in this industry are immense. But I guarantee that it is possible. I know several chefs have a happy and successful career as well as a happy and successful marriage. It is possible. Follow these steps and things will work out for you. As long as you are dedicated to it. Next week, I'm going to be talking about what it is What is cheffing okay, what's the reality of working in this industry versus the fantasy of working? So if you are thinking about getting into this industry, this next episode is for you. So I will see you next week. And thank you so very much for coming. I appreciate it. And I will see you bye bye